An Open Letter to My Seventh-Grade Flag Football Team

Boys,

I have coached most of you for years now, and I want you to know that I have never been more proud than when you lost 16-60 this past weekend. 

You heard that right. 

When the opposing coach, up by more than forty points, told his team to play “without restraint” you continued to play with it. That is more important than any win. 

Quick vocab lesson since I am an English teacher: Restraint is a noun. It means self-control. Staying under control is one of the most important lessons games like flag football can teach you. Not exercising control is what leads to penalties in games and all sorts of bad things in the real world. 

While the other team continued to launch passes to the endzone, and comments across the line of scrimmage, you maintained control. The one moment it boiled over, you immediately apologized. You showed restraint, and that is why I am proud. 

You are going to face stuff like that your whole lives. You are going to come across people who think winning is more important than being a good sport, some who think winning is more important than just about anything. Again and again you will be told that as young men you should be aggressive at all costs, you should never show mercy, you should kick others when they are down to assert your dominance over them. I don’t agree with any of that for a single second. 

We have been on the other side of games like that, and you know from experience that as fun as it is to keep scoring, it feels better to show restraint.  When we bat the ball down rather than intercept it, or throw short completions and run the clock out it is because on the other side of the field there are human beings. You have learned that in a lopsided win there is no need to humiliate them. You can’t keep swinging when the fight has already been won. 

Some people will tell you that I am wrong. They will tell you I am just being soft. They will say that if a team steps out on the field with you to compete you should spend every tick of the clock attempting to crush them. I don’t think those people are right. I am certain you can be a man, compete with passion on the playing field, excel as an athlete, and still show mercy and common courtesy.

One final definition of restraint is “restriction of personal liberty.” This one is a bit more complicated. The outdated ideas of what it means to be tough and what it means to be a man are examples of those kinds of restraints. Saying rude things to other kids playing a game so you can “get in their head” takes away your personal liberty to be the thoughtful kids I know you all are. 

The same is true for the idea that mistakes are bad, or are something that should be met with anger and yelling as we see too often in the games we play. That belief takes away your personal liberty to take risks and view mistakes as opportunities to learn and grow. I don’t ever want you to play with those kinds of restraints. I don’t ever want you to think you have to give up being a kind, thoughtful, decent kid just to win some game. 

Winning is not all that matters. I would argue it is not even one of the most important things in youth sports. Helping your teammate when he is struggling is important. Remaining positive and working hard through adversity is important. Showing respect and empathy to a team you have already defeated, ignoring the trash talk, and playing with class, are important. 

Remember that all of these sports are just games. They are games we are meant to play. Play is a verb. It means “to engage in an activity for enjoyment,” and there is nothing enjoyable about embarrassing other kids on the field. It is also a noun: “an activity engaged in for enjoyment and recreation, especially by children.” 

Now we just need all the adults to remember that.